Act I: "An Evil Empire"
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Population:  Who Gives a Shit?

Previous Owner:  Singing Bob
GANON:  Oh, what a wonderful day!  Don't you agree, Kiki?

KIKI:  Oot!  Oot!!

GANON: What should we do today?  A little knitting?  A spot of golf, perhaps?

KIKI:  Oot!  Ooot!

GANON:  No?  Eh... What do you say we try our hand at intergalactic

KIKI:  Ooot!  Ooot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GANON:  Sounds good.  I've been looking for a new hobby...  Let's get to my
Evil Lair and tell the others!
GANON:  Oh, hey, neighbor!

ALAN:  Ass hole!

GANON:  What?  Me?  Oh... erm... Same to you!  Yeah!

ALAN:  Keep your damn monkey off my property!

GANON:  Riiiight....
GANON:  Down on the corner!  Out in the street!  Oh the music is playing!  
Hear the rhythm, feel the beat!  Something something something...   Doo
deee doo laaaaa....
GANON:  I have returned!

KIKI:  Oot!!!  Ooot!!!!!!!

[cheers and applause from partially undead studio audience]

GANON:  Thank you!  You're too kind!
NEFUARAK:  Welcome back, Master!  How was your weekend?

GANON:  Oh, it was good.  But we have no time for pleasant banter today.

NEFUARAK:  I assume we are finally going to rid the universe of kittens?  
They are tiny, soft, and feral beasts!  And they like to urinate on my
wrappings, which is thoroughly unpleasant.  So I assume that we are finally
going to exterminate the vermin?

GANON:  No.  Not really.
GANON:  As you know, we have been a meaningless Evil Organization
for the past 25 years.  Our headquarters is based in a pizza shoppe.  
We have committed no evil acts of any sort.  And most of you are
freaking idiots.  

KATHY:  I'm not an idiot, Master!

GANON:  Yes.  You are.

KIKI:  Oot!  Ooot!!  

GANON:  Even the Ferengi laugh at our stupidity.  So... I have
decided to rectify that error.

NEFUARAK:  It's going to be the kittens...
GANON:  No, you fool!  We're going to CONQUER THE FEDERATION!

KIKI:  Ooot!  Ooot!!!
EGAD!!  That's insane!!!!!!!
NEFUARAK:  Master, are you absolutely certain?
GANON:  I came up with the freaking plan, didn't I?  I'm reasonably certain
that it's going to work...  I mean, how hard can it be to conquer the
Federation?  The Klingons have tried.  The Romulans.  The Borg.  The
Dominion.  The Cardassians.  The Tzenkethi.  The Talarians.  Species 8472.
The Elorg.  The Velora.  Those one aliens that were in "Conspiracy."  They
were cool.  Yeah.  

KIKI:  Oot!  Oot!

GANON:  Oh, yeah, and that V'Ger thing from "The Motion Picture."  But
that movie was crap.

KIKI:  Oot!  Oot!  Big time!  Oot!
KATHY:  Dork...  I should point out that... well... NONE of those species
actually succeeded in conquering the Federation.

GANON:  A minor problem.  The Federation will fall before the end of this

KATHY:  How?
NEFUARAK:  You're a Wizzrobe.  Cast a spell, or something.  

KATHY:  On the entire Federation?

NEFUARAK:  Is that too much for you?  I know that your spell to kill all
kittens failed miserably.  I still have cat hair in my bandages...

KATHY:  You want to borrow my broom?

NEFUARAK:  Will it really get rid of that cat hair?  I'm allergic, you know.

KATHY:  Yeah.  I got it at Wal-Mart, dirt cheap!  And on this pay, let
met tell you...

GANON:  Enough!  I have a plan of my own, thank you very much...
GANON:  His name is Stinky Pete.  He hasn't bathed since 1987.  He smells of
rotted eggs and skunk carcass and is about as useful as a tree stump.  But if
he can infiltrate a Federation starship... we just might have a chance...
Act II:  Infiltration
GANON:  Good Morning, Aunt Kathy.

AUNT KATHY:  Master!  How was your weekend?

GANON:  Good, good.  Played a spot of golf with the boys from
Turkana IV on Saturday.  I was only 57 over par this week!

KATHY:  Hey, you're getting better.

GANON:  This time next year I might be ready to leave the first hole.  
Damn windmill...  ...So, what about you?  Do anything EVIL this

KATHY:  I got a new broom from Wal-Mart, dirt cheap!  And it's for MEEEE!

GANON:  Cool.  Well, we'd better get inside.  I've got some pretty amazing